Green eye

My very green eye

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful

I've been such a lazy blogger... but I can't help it! Everything starts off cool and novel (read my first blog titled "Novelty Newness" and you'll understand) but yeah, then it becomes a sort of responsibility. Its like painting the fence... :P
Anyway, David Jones aren't exactly the most subtle people when they want to get rid of you, I just realised. Last week, they gave me 4 hours of work and this week, none. That's basically saying "we don't want you anymore, you christmas casual!" *in an aggressive/insulting tone*. hehe that's a little exaggerated, but hey, they've forced me into retrenchment and I'm not even 18 yet! *sigh*
Ah well, this is a sign for me to splurge on shopping (of which i should stop already!) and to hang out with my friends before I leave for New Zeland and start uni right after. That's what I've been doing and its great fun!!
Last week, we went to the Maroubra beach (on tues) and basically built sandcastles with Jac's sandcastle making tools... ooo.. and reshaping Gaston's body into a beautiful but deformed (i use this word because at some point he had 4 boobs!) mermaid. it was heaps of fun except for the fact that nearly everyone was burnt and was peeling :S Not very good is it, Gaston? Danny was trying to be a smart-arse; decided he wouldn't need sun screen on his face coz he was wearing a cap. Well, did it work? Nooooo... so for all you people who are going to the beach, sun screen is the WAY!
ON thursday, we played badminton at UNSW :D So many people turned up! hehe and it was great working out (reducing BMIs) for three straight hours. But yeah, think about the few days after... AJ and I had trouble sitting and standing. My advice? Don't strain your body to the extent of hurting yourself!
hehe well, I didn't take much of that advice myself because the next day, we went to Coggee for the BS/DIGJC beach bbq! The waves were MASSIVE! Like to the point of being dangerous... the lifeguards were actually on duty ie. standing near the flags and gathering up people who were drifting away. But it was fun after you managed to get past the breaking point, which was rather hard, I must say. It was kind of sad though, that not many bs people turned up. Ah well, at least I brought AJ and Alyssa along :)
On Saturday, the stupidest thing happened!! OMG!! I cringe still thinkng about it :S My bro, Jason woke me up in the morning and said "wake up! you have church!" and so I did, and woke Danny up. We were extremely late I must add. So we drove... all the way to the city. When we got into the parking lot, it seemed really empty, especially level 4. But nothing occurred to us until we went into Wesley and tried to get into the theatre. Only then did Danny say "Its Saturday" as if he just got a revelation. ARGHH!!! We got home and there Jason was watching the OC. He laughed his head off when we told him it was Sat, not sun. Grrrr...!! The parking ticket cost $16 and we were out of fuel by the time we got home. Expensive mistake! So much for keeping track of time during the holidays!
So yeah, that's been my week so far. And there'll be more plans for the rest of this week! hehe shopping with Rachel yesterday was fun (although, I couldn't resist and ended up buying a scarf, jumper and a packed of 5 undies for $3 :D)
Until the next time I blog, toodles!!

~me~

Girls can paint too!

(The title comes from Irina who wrote on a Barbie dresss "Girls can do sound too!" and stuck it on the sound board in the Wesley Theatre) :D
Anyway, back to Meeeee....
I met up with Andy (Chin) today and we had a talk about leading DIGJC - the high school group at church. It was pretty interesting and flattering that while he was praying, my face came into mind.. like I just 'pop'-ed up. hehe.
So yeah, been praying about that. The only thing I'm worried about is losing out on Blue Sky events and people. I was really looking forward to being more involved this year and maybe even training up to lead. But DIGJC is in need of leaders atm. We'll just have to see what happens... and what God has in store for me :)
I couldn't be bothered going to the Uni open days and so went around townhall/george st, looking at pretty (highly expensive and unafforadable) things :) And then decided to come home. I eventually finished the second book of the Shadow series (this started from the Ender series by Orson Scott Card for all those who know about it). And yeah, fell asleep watching some chinese movie starting Andy Lau and Jackie Cheung. It was a gangster movie and I thought it'd be like the young and dangerous.. but it was a little slow and I had just eaten. So all the blood rushed to my stomach and I slept :P But only for like 15 mins.
After that, I got bored and started cleaning out my clothing drawers... sorting things I wanted to give away and folding the ones I liked nicely. I assure you, by the end of the week.. it'll be a mess again :)
And then decided to paint the house.. was at it for 3-4 hours... it was hard work!! Well, kinda looked like fun at first but yeah, my arm got tired after a while. When that was done, I went for a swim, had a shower and had a yummy dinner :D And now I'm here... bumming in front of the computer talking to Keith and some random dude who found me on Boredofstudies.org.
Anyway, enough blabbering.. I'm too lazy to write anyway. Toodles for now!

~Moi~

Are you there God, am I alone?

The sky is deep, the sky is dark
The light of the stars is so damn stark
When I look up, I fill with fear
If all we have is what lies here
This lonely world, this troubled place
The cold dead stars, the empty space
Well, I see no reason to persevere
No reason to fight or shed a tear
No reason to sleep or ever to wake
No promise to keep or ever to make
And so at night, I still raise my eyes
To the cold but mysterious skies
That shine above us as cold as stone
Are you there God, am I alone?

~Anon

I got this poem from an email forward many years ago (maybe when I was in Year 9?) It was pretty sad how at that point in my fragile life, I made it a motto of it and I eventually began to believe every word it said. Loneliness does get to you sometimes doesn't it?
I don't really know why I'm putting this up for the world to see. I just woke up this morning thinking about it and I guess, its different looking at each word as it is written, instead of repeating thing whole poem in your head. I hope this isn't what I believe in anymore.. I'm pretty sure it isn't because I know I've got a Dad who'll take me by the hand and lead me into the future that he intends for me. I don't have to be alone anymore. I'll eventually be with him for the rest of eternity when life on earth ends :) I guess its a comforting thought about death when you look at it from a different point of view. Any objections?

~me~

God's essence

I was on the train home on Monday night - it was about 9.30pm and the train wasn't as packed as I expected so I was kind of freaked out when I was pretty much alone in the very front carriage - the music helped a little but I kept on looking around... until I decided to walk forward and sit in the front. I was on the top deck and I saw some people on the middle deck - where the doors open :)
There was a couple with such an adorable baby; she was the most gorgeous thing! And while she was in the pram, her dad was playing with her... tickling her, giggling to himself and you could see that he'd do anything for her to see her happy and safe. I just sat there looking at them for the whole ride home, and my heart was melting by the second. And I thought to myself, God can't not exist. I mean, just look at the little baby's smile, her eyes... you know that's how God intended her to be, not by chance but by his plans.
When you take a look at the moon and its half covered by the clouds at night or the beautiful sunset; you think... that can't be present as a result of chance or evolution. God leaves his essence for us to see and feel. That's what I think anyway.

~me~

Hugs

A hug is a source of comfort... the thing you need the most when you're down and nothing anyone says will make you feel any better. Its what you naturally do when you're happy or when you're celebrating an achievement, a birthday, to greet someone, etc. A hug is timeless, its beautiful and its the best present ever!
Buttt... let's outline the awkward hugs:

1. The type when you're not sure whether to hug the person or not, but you do anyway and the other person although willing at first reads your initial doubts and withdraws. Its Very awkward

2. The hug with the peck on the cheek. I always get this one wrong! You never know if the person is going to give you a peck, so you just hug them and when they do decide on the kiss, your head is already past their shoulder and unreachable - but you heard the *mwah* sound anyway and you cringe. Its embarassing especially if you're the one giving the kiss

3. The bad hugs. The ones where the person makes you feel like you stink or something when they hug you at arm's length

4. The tap hug. Very popular amongst guys who want to give other guys hugs but don't want to look gay. Boys, this does not work with girls! They (well, personally I) like hugs where you're close.. what's the point of the 'tap tap' when it feels more like a handshake than a hug?

hehe I must've been very bored, but now its time for church and a wet christmas day - so much for my plans to swim *sigh* love you all and merry christmas!! woOT!

Love,
Me

The Most Frightening Question By Michael Goodspeed

I got this article from a site published by my friend, Gaston in his blog (gromero.blogspot.com) and found it to be quite interesting and gave me a new perspective to things. I think I'm hungry for God and I'm just filling it with all the wrong things. Pray for me.

Thunderbolts.info12-22-4
http://www.rense.com/general61/most.htm

Existential quandaries often create confusion and terror in human beings. That is why life's "big questions" are best pondered in a peaceful state of mind. Nothing is more dangerous than an anguished Homo sapiens asking, "Who am I? Why am I here? What does it all mean?" In a state of emotional agony, the answers one receives to these questions will be distorted by one's pain.

Since I've been in the public eye as an internet essayist, I've received hundreds of emails from people waxing philosophic about Life, the Universe, and Everything. Their insights are often very thoughtful and moving, but although I try to stay open to all input I receive, few have succeeded in shaking the foundation of my personal "paradigm."

About a week ago, I found myself in the midst of an intense spiritual crisis. I was confronted with the reality that a budding romantic "relationship" was nothing more than an unrequited fixation on my part. This sent me into a bit of a tailspin of depression and self-doubt. Simultaneously, I was inundated with dozens of emails in response to a philosophical piece I wrote entitled, "To Live Only For God." Most of the responses were positive, but some were challenging, and even hostile.

A few respondents took me to task over my assertion that God is neither insane nor cruel. They essentially claimed that no one has any objective, empirical proof that God is good, or even that he exists. Indeed, they argued, God's insanity and/or non-existence might go a long way towards explaining the perpetual fuckery of the human race.

Ordinarily, this brand of rhetoric has no sway over me. I know the arguments of atheists and materialists like the back of my own hand, and I've always found them amazingly shallow, illogical, and generally too absurd for words. The notion that life is an "accident," and human beings are collections of particles that somehow learned to think, feel, and love through the process of "evolution" has never inspired fear or doubt in me. But for the briefest of moments, the blackness of my thoughts pushed me into the abyss, and I pondered the question: WHAT IF THERE IS NO GOD?

Uh...Whoops...Oh shit....

What followed this minor indulgence of dark curiosity was a colossal mind-fuck straight out of a Twilight Zone episode. For an hour or a day, I felt like an astronaut expelled into the barren regions of space. The world turned into an alien environment, one as hostile as it was insane. I considered the hypothetical ramifications of God's non-existence, and I decided unequivocally that there is no word in King's English to describe the awfulness of this scenario.

Never mind that "no God" would almost certainly mean "no soul," and therefore, the end of my body would be the end of my consciousness -- i.e., the extinguishing of everything in the Universe. I suppose one could cope with this travesty by holding out hope -- albeit quite flimsy -- that science might one day find the key to physical immortality. But I could NEVER cope with the fact that "no God" and "no soul" would ultimately mean the non-existence of love.

Think of it. If you are nothing more than the sum of your physical parts, what you experience as "love" is just a series of chemical reactions in the brain, a totally inane and animalistic "biological imperative" necessary for the propagation of the species. A parent's love for his or her child would be of no greater integrity than an amoeba's instinct to reproduce asexually. I suppose this occurred through billions of years of evolution, as our spongy little gray matters somehow developed the concept of "love" as a defense against life's inherent meaninglessness, to prevent us from destroying one another.

Of course, there is no REAL reason to love an animated sack of muck and water, which, let's face it, is what we are if the atheists are correct. We would only love each other out of brute NECESSITY. Oh, and also, it might be "pleasurable" for some people.

Additionally, if there is no God, we can pretty much throw into the crapper the whole concept that "all men are created equal." How can a sack of muck (a human being) be intrinsically equal to another sack of muck? Atheists have no answer to this, other than to say that THINGS WORK BETTER when we think this way.

And what of creative expression and other intangible beauties and joys of life -- music, art, literature, and all forms of subjective truth? These things also have no intrinsic value, but are just the inevitable by-products of highly evolved brains with the biological need to "entertain" themselves.

Furthermore, if there is no God, then we are truly ALL ALONE on this flying speck of dust and water. No order, no meaning, and no help from anyone or anything. Instead, we are left with random chaos, animalistic instinct, and every man for his self. Shit happens, and only fools weep because of it.

These torturous fictions repeated in my head for a seeming eternity. I never really bought into this irrational train of thought, but it did manage to put me in a black mood and ruin my day. Eventually, I sobered up, and these absurd ponderings retreated to the darkness from whence they came. And it became obvious to me why I wasted my time entertaining something I KNOW to be false.

The truth is, although I am a joyous person by nature, I can barely remember the last time I felt genuine gratitude. How long has it been since I uttered the phrase, "Thank you, Father," without a grimace on my lips? Life has become a complaint, because I cannot seem to shake this feeling of LACK.

I can write of concepts like Oneness and Unity from years of study and personal experience, but alas, for me, they are just concepts. However, this was not always so. In my adolescence, I consciously discovered Oneness, and I embraced it with the joy and abandon of a child at play. But as I grew older, my experiences and revelations cemented into a thought system, and I could not think of Oneness without thinking of LOSS -- as in, what must I sacrifice in order to achieve union with God? Worldly desires? Personal ambitions? Material acquisitions? Romantic love? These are not things any human being would abdicate without a sense of bitterness.

A God who would demand sacrifice is as frightening as the concept of God's non-existence. A God who would demand sacrifice might well be insane.

My only solution to this terrible fear of loss is to remember the occasions I saw and embraced the Truth - that God only wants GOOD for all of his children. This was not a conclusion I came to conceptually. It was an inarguable fact, as I bathed in God's love like an electric baptism. And upon this experience, I knew that true Oneness with God does not entail sacrifice.

In subsequent years, my intellect (a tool of the ego) has created phantoms and bogeymen to try to frighten me off my path. I can only live without fear of these imaginary monsters when I surrender to the light of God's love. In this infinite aurora, everything real is illuminated, and nothing unreal can hide.

Christmas Eve

Its Xmas eve... Let's see what happens on this very fortunate day.. fa la la la la la la la laaa...
People are frantically shopping for last minute food and presents
People are frantically cooking for guests/family tomorrow
People are frantically cleaning the house
People are frantically trying to guess what their pressies are
(Hmmm I'm starting to see a trend, and yes, I'm being very cynical about this :P)
But its sooo true!! Look around you... people are going psycho with excitement about the red, green, silver and gold streamers, ribbons and string!
Well, for me... in a few minutes, I'm going to be on a train to work: a 12pm-6pm shift - not too bad I must say, but I still have to get my work name tag replaced :S
Maybe tonight I'll get to talk along the steets and look at the beautiful xmas lights that seem to light up the cold dark nights (haha... like my poetics?)
But more importantly, think of those who aren't as fortunate... those who still have to think about their next meal or why their parents have left or the losses they've had to face thus far
I think that's what keeps us in check; to not complain about the wealth that we enjoy and the nature of 'not having enough'

Well, I have another dilemma for now... I've been invited to 3 (yes THREE!) christmas lunches. hehe.. its only coz I told people we weren't doing anythingon xmas day except sleeping in and having a perfectly normal day :) Which is all true.... coz we celebrate on Boxing day.
Sooo.. let's see.. there's Fran place full of aunties and uncles whom I don't know, there's Jian's place full of his family (relos whom i haven't met) and board games and rumballs... hehe, and there's Adam's bbq at his brother's place. I'll have to sleep on this one and wait till my subconscious mind tells me what I want :D

For now, take care and *HUGS!*

~Me~